The screaming begins! And the show I love, love, love, is starting out in my old home, Seattle. I’m going to try to liveblog this one, too. Very boring for you, but fun for me, so deal.

AHHHHH! The sundial from the top of Gasworks Hill is the starting point. When Phil is on screen explaining the rules, my old neighborhood is just over his left shoulder, at the end of the high metal bridge. In other words, “I can see my condo from here.” And we’re off.

Racearoundtheworld! Many legs, no hints. 8 elimination point pitstops. And in this race, there will be surprises you never expected.

Aw, I used to ride my bike and walk right where the backpacks are. It’s raining, the sundial is broken.

The world is waiting, yadda.

Dang, nobody fell.

BEIJING! UA875 or KE26. $66.00

From experience, UA may be nonstop, KE Korean Air will be a connection.

Okay, already with the allahu akbar with the Muslim guys. They’re serious about their faith and interviewed that they’d stop and pray at the prescribed times no matter what. Power of prayer, but seriously, they may need the power of racing.

New titles.

Four cars left behind, they can’t get the Mercedes going, for some reason.

Models already stopping. Oddly, I can’t really make out where they’re all trying to get on I-5. Actually, they’d be better off taking Aurora 99 – which is the back way to the airport. Hee.

It’s not called “The Five,” Arti. It’s I-5.

Coalminer and his wife look like elimination fodder. They’re getting the directions for 99!

Hee, there’s a big accident downtown near my old church.

Anyone on 99 is golden.

Coalminers have seriously scary teeth, oh my God.

First to airport, the marathoners. Kentucky second to the airport. Good!

Oh, boy, praying. Inshallah.

Room for 6 teams on UA875, the later flight gets in an hour later.

Man, that girl with the artificial leg is fast on the flat. First to the counter. First on UA. Camera shot of prosthesis.

Models squeak. Kentucky knows it’s the fastest.

THRIFTY!! I’ve rented cars there, they SUCK!!!!

They are NOT in the parking garage, dudes.

Hah, hah.

Uh, that one couple is going to have problems. Rob and Kimberly, seriously, dial it back.

Gay team think the Korean flight is the better one. Not.

Asian guys are cute but stuck in traffic. However, they’re headed straight to Thrifty’s location on International.

Model boys get United. Duke and Lauren are 5th.

Lyn and Karlyn are… on United. SNAP! everybody books to Korean.

Gay guys are first on Korean, they accidently made the right choice.

Oh. No shaking women’s hands in Islam, girls. However, they do NOT believe in Buddha, you dumb blondes.

Ah hah – one of the Asian brothers said “Thank you” in Korean. They joked earlier about not being Chinese, so… maybe an advantage going to Asia first for them, maybe not.

Squirt guns???

Funny. TSA says NOT ALLOWED.

Doofuses.

Footshot after the marathon couple are pre-boarded because of her high-tech leg. Other teams complain, but suck it up and deal, Racers, she gets this little advantage, but she has to work extra hard to climb stairs.

Prayer. This must freak people out for a while until they get used to it.

Beijing! United was delayed. Marathoners run fast.

Taxi to Kwanmin’s Gold House Restaurant.

Kentucky is overwhelmed. They’re lucky they have a good driver.

The moms from Alabama mitch and bone. It’s not fair, apparently, that someone with a disability turns out to be so fast.

By the way, there’s 12 teams. Asian boys are last – Edwin and Godwin are their names.

ROADBLOCK??? on a season premiere??? It’s never been done, or shown on previous seasons! Cool!!! Team Daddy-Daughter gets the clue first, and it appears to be an eating challenge. Oh, HERE we go.

Fish cheeks I can eat, but fish eyes? Oh, nonnonononono.

Uh, oh, the eating challenge may be a problem for some faiths. I don’t know if this is “halal.”

The first big surprise is coming up when they get to the next thing, where they get departure times for the next morning.

There’s a chance someone may be eliminated in the first leg, they usually make this a double check.

Beauty queens or cheerleaders go to wrong restaurant.

Model boys snag a taxi better than Kentucky.

Beauty queens still lost.

Wow, a lot more teams got sucky cabs.

Everybody starts to arrive at the restaurant.

Other teams, ahead, head toward the meridian gate. Marathoners. They’re AWESome.

Daddy daughter – also 7am.

Moms: 7am

Modelboys grab the last 7am slot. You are so not in “ninjaland,” yobbos.

Kentucky arrives in the area of the gate. It’s a big place, though.

Tom and Jerry – they’ve got their own theme music in my head.

Cheerleaders celebrate with them – they both got 715am. Rah, girls. Not so awesome as Team Marathon.

Blondes done with eyeballs in 8th place. Kentucky finally finds the clue kiosk and pull 715am. Man, they do everything slowly.

The Brothers Cho are looking for an english speaking driver.

Vipul powered the eyes down – that was a little disturbing to see if they’d come back up for another look around.

Oh, my God, Edwin and Godwin are dead last, they just pulled up to the restaurant. The final time tag says simply “Last Team…” on the kiosk.

Cab problems.

Vipul and Arti, grabbed 730am.

Erwin and Godwin, grabbed the last tag with a time on it, also 730 am.

Muslim brothers… Bilal and Sa’eed, I think… they realize they have to check in at a mat, which we have not seen thus far. Everyone else is over there, standing off to one side, and Phil is visible. Eliminated!! and it’s not the true pit stop, it’s just the rest break. Every other season premiere has started out with an overnight somewhere, and then the elimination takes place at the end of the second half of the leg. OH, everybody moans for them. Everyone cries a little, even, it’s a really tough break.

Damn you, Bruckheimer! Damn you for doing that, and bless you for changing things in a much, much better way than “family edition.”

I wonder if there will be a second elimination at the Pit Stop, or if it will be a non-elim? That would also be unprecedented… and it would really screw someone to start out in China with no money for cabs.

Motorbikes to a pedicab stop.

Sarah’s leg is leaking hydraulic fluid. Uh, oh.

Uh, I don’t think the address is “14 Hoo-Ha North Bank Road,” Dad.

Marathoners arrive first, say “Nihau” as they get their clue. Hello to you, lady – by the way, your leg is leaking.

Detour: Labour or Leisure. Lay bricks, or go farther away, and do some Tai Ji Bai Lung.

All four first teams choose Labour.

Aw, that’s cute, Vipul shouted “Let’s go, Team Karma.” He’s wearing a Buddha shirt. Now I’m confused, and will have to go back to their intro clip, as I assumed they were Hindus as they lit something and prayed. Or maybe they’re just messing with us.

Uh, Sarah may have some problems with her knee here, so she’s handing the bricks to Peter.

And it looks like nobody is laying out the bricks in the right pattern. Models get the border right first. Moms haven’t noticed the trick with the border, but they’re starting to suspect.

Tom and Jerry are the first to opt for Leisure. Traffic jam.

Vipul and Arti are lost. And last.

Moms have figured out the border. Models are done first. They clue up and head to Juyonquan, where they must scale the Great Wall.

Marathoners Second. Sarah squeals with delight about scaling the wall??? well, she sure has the arm muscles for it.

Model boys can’t find a cab willing to go there.

Kentucky starts laying brick.

Model boys bum out in their cab.

Moms done in fourth.

Whoa, Kentucky Man is strong, he loads up about 7 of the big grey bricks and walks them over to the work area. Meanwhile, Rob and Kimberly commence to load-test their impending freakout, because they haven’t figured out the border.

Oh, no cheering, please.

Tom, Jerry, and Team Cheer learn how to do Tai Ji.

Edwin tries to steal Kentucky’s big bricks. They laugh it off, it’s cute. “My bad.”

Tai Ji looks really hard — they have to balance a ball on a little paddle.

Peter gives Sarah a big pep talk about climbing. Daddy Daughter rip on by the road.

Oh, God. Stairs. Sarah really has to work hard. “You are my girl. You are a world-class athelete…” but they went up the wrong way. They re-orient (heh, they’re in China, they have to) and get to the climbing ropes after the model boys.

Jeez, this looks really hard, the climbing rope has little loops. Sarah is really struggling, she can’t get off the ground.

Oh, GOD, this SUCKS. Why the hell didn’t the producers roll out some ascenders that can be used by one foot? We’ve seen those before.

Models first to the top. Team number one, Tyler and James, you win $20,000. Don’t blow it all in one place (bad joke)

Daddy struggles. Daughter cries, and they’re second, and she still has to climb.

Sarah finds her power and screams in triumph. Oh, man, I have to stop and cry here. It’s funny and wonderful, too. Now Peter mutters that he has to figure out how to get up the wall and not look like a dingaling. Wow, he’s cool.

Daddy Daughter check in second.

Peter makes it to the top. They are third. THIRD!!!!

Kentucky bickers and lays brick. Done.

Beauty Queens at the wall. Rob and Kimberly take off for the pit stop. Kentucky says either “good bye” or “thank you” in Chinese to some people that helped them find a cab. They’re surprisingly awesome, if a little rough around the edges and whiny.

Moms somehow get to the base of the wall. Karma is not having any good karma.

Tom and Jerry complete their routine.

Beauty queens in fourth.

Cheergirls complete their Tai Ji.

Kentucky: bicker or zip it or sumpin.

Moms still at the base of the wall.

Karma and Team Cho both finish, Rob and Kim are still finding a taxi.

Tom and Jerry pass up Kentucky at the base of the Wall. Never walk, KY.

Moms are both unable to start – the first one can’t get a foot up.

Tom is crying and screaming.

Team Karma finally finishes and jets.

Kentucky urges on Tom and her husband.

The one mom is STILL at the bottom, flat on her ass. Seriously, I’m not sure if you’re supposed to put your feet in the loops, or your hands and walk up.

Lyn, the mom, is finally most of the way up the wall. Kentucky Mary’s teeth are Austin Powerslike in their scariness, poor thing.

Rob and Kimberly, making up a serious deficit, check in fifth.

Cheer: sixth. Rah

Erwin and Godwin, Team Cho, check in seventh. Whoa!!!! Killer arms!

Tom and Jerry celebrate eighth place with a little “we made it we made it we made it” dance.

Kentucky Mary is struggling. As for the Moms, I guess that it’s Karla that went up first. Lyn comes up and they check in ninth.

Kentucky Mary and Dave check in, she’s crying and they’re tenth. She obviously thought they were last, as she alternately apologized and snapped at Dave all the way up the wall. She adjusts her bra strap and gives everybody but her husband a hug first. Including Phil. Do not touch the Phil, Mary. Do not snap your bra strap on international TV.

Team Karma starts up the wall, at last and last. Vipul puts it away, and Arti starts up. She seems to do fairly well.

Last team to arrive. Eliminated!!! Why is Vipul’s T-shirt spelled “Colege?” He swapped out the Buddha one.

Aw. They just could not get a leg up, sad to say. They had trouble with bad traffic, bad cabs, and didn’t seem to be able to communicate or navigate well with their drivers. Also, they had major problems with the bricks. I think they might have done a lot better if they’d chosen “Leisure.”

So that’s it – 2 teams gone already. I’m bummed that suddenly it’s not as interestingly diverse as it started out to be, but I’m looking forward to seeing how the remaining teams handle racing the wrong way around the world.

Peter and Sarah get the “Most Awe-Inspiring” award. I like the father-daughter team – she’s gay, and he cried on camera about his disappointment at that. Yikes. Aside from that, they’re on the “like” list. Beauty Queens and Cheerleaders are on my “meh” list. I’m not too crazy about Rob and Kimberly, the bickering couple, but she did rock the wall in the end after they sorted out their taxi/traffic issues. Model boys are actually kind of cute, and not too stuck on themselves. They struggled a lot and made jokes
about themselves – self-deprecating humor goes a long way on this show, my friends.

The moms kind of annoy me, but they did eventually get up the wall, and got to enjoy that moment of triumph. Suck it up, ladies, and stop worrying about what the marathoners are doing.

Edwin and Godwin, the Brothers Cho? They’re kind of cute, too. Also, they’re hep with the locals in some ways, and charmingly out of their element in other ways. Like.

And now… I’ll be wondering what the Golden House Restaurant did with all those eyeless fish-heads. Blearg.