Why Childfree People Get So Irked

There are so many things in Dennis Byrne’s Chicago Tribune column today that I find objectionable, since I’m childfree. He apparently just became aware of the phenomenon of couples declining to reproduce and seems to be just horrified at the prospect. From the sound of it, he ran across some rants pages from the more extreme end of the childfree spectrum and he was shocked. Shocked! Yeah, Dennis, that’s the point: to shock people like you, and to reinforce the “us/them” construct between denizens of the various childfree sites.

Another irksome thing: I’m pretty tired of hearing endless variations on the phrase “but it’s haaaaard to be a parent.” Talk about whiny complaining, which is just what Byrne does throughout the column. Most of the parents I know wouldn’t be caught dead whining about how hard it is. They just do it – they don’t expect medals.

Anyway, my friends and family with children or grandchildren will want to read something other than Yet Another Rant Because Ginny Saw An Article That Questions Her Right To Be Childfree.

I know: go adopt a kitty! My rant will be in the extended entry.

In this quote there are several irksome statements:

Chicago Tribune | Oh, the temper tantrums of those childless complainers

Just the title is annoying. It’s interesting that whenever someone wants to criticize childfree people, they compare them to whiny brats – the very thing we cannot abide. You get the dismissiveness of it? Right. Let’s move on.

First off: I went looking for the original article from American Demographics. I found several. One from 1996, and the one Dennis is quoting from was published in 2001. I suppose an article in the Trib a few weeks back about some local Chicago restaurants is what actually set him off. Way to surf the cutting edge of the Net there, Dennis.

The purple prose in the rants by CFers (quoted elsewhere in the article) sounds pretty familiar – I myself sit somewhere in the “Navy blue to aqua” part the spectrum. People who criticize the idea of someone being childfree usually point to the statements of the more hardcore of us as justification for slamming everyone. Hey, the hardcore have a right to say what they say – I wouldn’t say it myself, but I reserve the right to chuckle at how easily someone like Byrne has been suckered into being outraged. And every now and then, I get ticked off when somebody’s child is behaving badly in public, and I think “Oh, I could so rant on this.” Even now, having mellowed a little the last few years. Oh, yes indeed.

Maybe they don’t intend to mean this, but the adults of the childless nation sound like having kids is just another lifestyle choice. They seem bothered by the human and innate urge to have children, an urge installed in all of us by the process of natural selection. Maybe what they’re really fighting here is their own instincts.

Sorry, no instinct. Never had the least interest. Urge never installed. I get the impression that Dennis thinks anyone that doesn’t have this “human and innate urge” is somehow… not human and unnatural. Meanwhile, TO ME pregnancy is something akin to what happened to John Hurt in the first Alien picture. Yeah, the look on his face just before his chest explodes is just how I’d look if I were holding a pregancy test with a positive result.

And by the way – I think it’s OUR lifestyle choice, in the absence of the physical or instinctual desire for children. Some CFers state that people who have had children have made a lifestyle choice too, and they don’t admit the existence of instinct or hormonal imperative in their online discussions. Because we lack it, you see, we often forget that others… don’t. And turning that around, people with the instinct for parenthood apparently think that childfree people have it too, but are rejecting it or being stubborn or oppositionally defiant about submitting to it.

However, there’s just no way I will ever understand the imperative to have a litter. But that’s a whole other topic.

Anyway, in reality, childfree adults (not just couples, as Dennis seems to be blinkered on that point) are rejecting the expectation that they must want children and must have children.

Newsflash: we just don’t. Dennis goes on with the classic cliche’ – the one that’s supposed to just knock us flat with shame and remorse and make us repent our evil, evil ways:

Or maybe they just hate children.

Dennis, you say that like that’s a bad thing. No, really. Is that your most crushing insult?

What is so wrong about hating children, or not liking children very much, or not being attracted to children, or being uninterested in children, or happily interacting with children, and happily handing them back? This is that spectrum thing I was talking about.

I’m not talking about people who wish to do physical harm here – anyone harming a child or infant should be thrown in jail and receive the harshest punishment under the law. Period.

Just remember: when a child is injured, abused, or murdered, who is the likeliest suspect? A parent, family member or caregiver. So let’s not throw insults like “child hater” around anymore, because it’s just a way to obscure that dirty little truth.

If they truly don’t care if the rest of us choose to adore and nurture our children, then they might lay off the nasty attacks. If they could see how small they make themselves look by crabbing about people who like to talk about their children, maybe they’d stop.

Those of us who truly don’t care pay no attention to you and your children unless you happen to get all up in our faces with the “adore my child!” mentality implicit in this statement. Then, o then let the snarking begin.

I’d say that the “nasty attacks” he mentions on parents and children probably took place in childfree discussion forums. If they took place on parenting forums, that’s trolling and I’ve never approved of that.

If only people would stop gushing about their children endlessly, I would be much embiggened. Honestly, I’ll politely listen at work or stuck in an elevator while someone gushes, but I’m not interested and I’d rather talk about something I might have in common with someone, anyway. Unfortunately, many adults have NOTHING to talk about except their kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, and second cousins once removed that just found out she’s having her first baby. I might have been more interested in family and close friends’ kids, but years ago I learned not to express any interest whatsoever in anyone’s progeny, or risk having to sit and listen for hours while some dewy-eyed mommy tried to proselytize me into having a kid of my own right then and there.

This really used to happen to me; a former employer would go on and on for hours endlessly detailing each pregnancy and delivery, while I was held captive in her car (having mistakenly accepted a ride home). Because she signed my paychecks, I nodded and smiled and thought about handsome TV actors all the way home while she burbled happily away. For some reason, she thought describing her Caesareans and why her scars were so interesting made motherhood attractive.

Eesh.

Anyway, since Dennis is quoting something from an article from American Demographics, it’s most likely that some journalist or researcher interviewed a few people after mining juicy comments from CF and parenting sites, looking to illustrate some points after running a demographic survey. I was interviewed once by an NPR staffer because she got my name off of a newsgroup; turned out she was pregnant at the time and I was in the most militant phase of CFdom at the time, so my colorful rants and “nasty attacks” probably shocked the hell out of her. Which, actually, is pretty funny when you think of it, since my comments did not air. Anyway, CF people are considered excellent fodder for news stories, because I see these kinds of stories show up every few months.

Having children is both a blessing and a great service to society, perhaps one of life’s greatest. Raising children is vastly more important (and difficult) work than childless couples planning a wine tasting. Those who do a good job deserve praise and help. No one should have to explain why it is heroic work.

Okay, here we are again. Here’s how I feel:

Having children is not a blessing TO ME. Having children would be a curse TO ME. I think having children is not necessarily a service to society if not all children are fed or even wanted. Raising children is not vastly more important than anything (including taking a nap anytime I damn well please) TO ME. Although I might attend the occasional wine tasting, what matters more TO ME is free time – copious amounts of it. If I’m guilty of being just another smug, selfish CF woman, it’s that I always feel happy when I drive past a soccer game and know that I’m off the hook, and don’t have to participate in a bunch of activities and sports and school functions and stuff. Being childfree is certainly NOT all winetasting and jetting off to Costa Rica – a lot of CF adults are not well off, and some even depend on public assistance… which they have trouble qualifying for simply because they don’t have children. Ironic? Yes.

For the last time, Dennis, my choice is about me and not about you.