The Not So Amazing Race: Spaceballs!

I already knew where this episode was supposedly headed; spoilers had been floating around since the day they filmed at today’s location, because it’s been just about impossible to keep people from all over the country from saying “Hey! I think they filmed an episode of TAR in my area! I saw Racers/clue boxes/flags/production crew.” The spoilers are showing up in news articles and TV Guide-type websites, too, so I’m not feeling too much doubt about where we’re going. Of course, if we go somewhere else, I’m not the only one with egg on my face.

Apparently, tonight we’re going to Huntsville, AL and we’re going to do SPACE CAMP STUFF! This is pretty much confirmed based on the previews we saw last week, and based on the plethora of SUV-and-family-and-crew sightings in the Huntsville, AL area. They are sure proud of their NASA Flight Center! Wooo, etc. Actually, I’d be really excited about this, but only if I actually got to go up into orbit and only if I knew for a fact that the O-rings and the belly tiles were totally A-OK.

So this week, aside from any Road Block/Detour/Clueless deviations (ooh!), the Amazing Blue Line gives us a pretty good idea of what we’re up against:

And the first thing you’ll notice, if you are looking at Google Maps, is that the beginning point and end point are 14 hours of drive time apart. Not including rest time, eat time, and TAR time. So are they really going to Huntsville tonight, or will the endpoint actually be at some intermediate (and much lamer) destination? Would they actually fly them rather than have them drive that far? Scheduled (yeesh) or charter (meh?).

See? The logistics are more interesting than the actual show at this point.

So here’s the starting lineup. I make no promises about whether I’ll end up watching Commander-in-Chief later if this Family Roadtrip from Hell gets too boring. Their order of departure, and their totally arbitrary nicknames, are as follows:

Weaver: “Screaming Jebus Weavers” or SJW’s

Linz: “Team Farty-not-so-fast”

Godlewski: “Pink Ladies,” “Shrieking in Pink”

Schroeder: “Team AssDad”

Aiello: “Team SIL”

Bransen: “Daddy-Daughters”

Gaghan: “Wheelies”

Paolo: “Team Throw Momma From The SUV”

I’ll add their arrival order at the Pit Stop just before I publish.

Ready? Let’s hit “play.”

Replays: Odd that NCIS tonight also had some Civil War reenactors. Upshot: Weavers scream, Rogerses get the boot. Who will be eliminated… NEXT? (not tonight? Foreshadowing?)

Hey, it’s Jon Vito and Jill from TAR3! The task was the not-so-amazing Cheese Eating Fast Forward. Remember? They were out the next leg, so fat lot of good that did them.

Commercials. Ooh, Zorro: The Family Edition. Not so much with the ooh.

Departures in broad daylight from Welborne Manor, VA, the second pit stop. UPDATE: Mutterings from TWOP that everyone stayed an extra night, and that it was actually a 36 hour layover due to the presence of kids. Not sure, but everybody looks REALLY tired to begin with.

Mandatory rest period is not specified, but we suspect it’s more than twelve hours.

Weavers: scream at 226am and FLY!!!! 500 miles to CLT from IAD. Choose a car (meh, spoonfed transpo) and go to the Battery.

Linz: 227am. Search for next clue at Gazebo. Girlie, the boys will never listen to you. Travel from “Washington Dulls International.” Man, I love you, Amazing Editors!

Godlewskis: Gabble gabble gabble.

Schroeder: 235am Mom is a step mom. Is she evil or not? Schroeder son seems way out of it.

SILS: do a little dance.

Bransens: 238am DAddy daughters interview how tired.

Gaghans: kids mug for camera. Depart 243am. Man, tight times. Interview kids will not hold them back. BARF! Kids do NOT belong on my race!

Linzes hate wide loads. I think they mean something else.

Bransens work a cell phone from the diver (taxi?). Hmm. Gaghans call USair. Good choice.

Paolos. depart 315am. This is an amazing country, says Tony. Arguing. Phoning. Mom complains “We’re finallhy going somewhere. It’s the Amazing Race American Style.”

Weavers: missed the exit and reverse backwards. This is noticed by Linzes. That is hilarious!

Linzes try DH (independence air) So do Weavers. Arrives 1004am

Bransens yell out to Boston, re US, but they check out DH too.

Man, who are all these strangers? I guess DH is Flight 1.

Oops, running out of seats. Bransens get US – flight 2.

Schroeder: what’s Florida doing? Conflict and sneakiness ensue. Switching?
Damn, the Weavers thank the Lord because they switched to the earlier flight. Everyone else unites in their hatred of all things Weaver. I’m not sure why: the advantage is all of 2 minutes. I had to pause so I could figure out what was going on. Oh, and here come the Paolos, this won’t be pretty.

Teh Evil Weavers point Paolos at a much, much later flight. Nice.

Hunter starts hanging out with Rolly Weaver. “Shut your pie hole, Hunter.”

Schroder, Aiello, Godlewski on Flight 1
Paolos argue about… a map. They dump bags and there’s a general air of “I’m tired, Ma.”
Argue, argue, argue. This week, Ma Paolo’s dead horse is “We have to find a map.” Unbelievable. Constant nagging aggravates the hell out of me.

Man, those Paolo boys are spoiled.

Commercials. Hey, it’s BP! Watch for them to show up in the show.

And: Plane 1 arrives at CLT airport at 1004am. Find the Gazebo or the Battery in your spoonfed SUV. WEavers are following and resented by the leaders. No one seems to know what The Battery is, but they find the clue box in the Gazebo. Exciting parking ensues.

Detour: Forrest Gump – dehead 200 pounds of shrimp, or Muddy Waters: drive a Jeep through a mud bog, up to the axles. If they have monster driving skills, they could finish fast.

“We’re all doing the shrimp togethaaaa!” Oh, joy.

As usual, Paolos complain about being dead last. Oh, please oh please.

Note, there are only 2 mud bogs. So here come the headless shrimp!

Oh, my God! Shrimp juice in my socks. Meanwhile, what a shock, Meghan is RIGHT about something.

Linz: shrimpingl Funky funny music.
Gaghans: decide to mud bog.
Weavers: doing the mud bog. Oooh, pretty Jeep! Bogged down so far by Ma Weaver.
Aiellos: mudbog and they aren’t stopping or turning. They are halfway through. Oh! Stuck at the very finish line! We were goin’ great guns, though!

Bransens: start their first crate of fish.
Paolos: pass the clue box at the gazebo.
Weavers: try again. Bog down again.
Aiellos: try again, try to maintain momentum but bog down again. So disgusted.
Mud fight! Mud fight!

Schroeders: shrimp fight! Shrimp fight! Funky music plays.
Linzes: play with the talking shrimp. That was just not right.
Godlewskis: gabble gabble gabble shrimp.
Bransens: rocking the shrimp. I think we found our calling.
Gaghans: think mudbogging is going to be fun!
Weavers: SIXTH ATTEMPT
Aiellos: DITTO

I can’t do it, it’s just too hard, says Ma Weaver.
Schroeders: Finish first and now head for a …. charter bus to a mystery destination.
Linz: finish second.
Paolos: finally arrive at the shrimp beheading boat.
Bransens: finish 4th
Gaghan: first attempt at mudbogging and they… MAKE IT! Aiellos are HORRIFIED!
Linzes and Schroeders are running for the charter buses.

Linz and Schroeders make Bus 1
Bransens: trudge in. Make Bus 1. Second bus doesn’t depart for another 2 hours.

Aiello: 13th Attempt! Sad music is playing. They bog. Why didn’t they quit 5 tries ago?

Commercials.

Aiello: 14th attempt. CHARGE!! Keep rocking!! They finally do it. Clue please.

Gaghan: arrive in time for Bus 2.

Paolo: finally on their last crate. Fighting. Can you close your mouth for five minutes.
Mom looks PISSED about the charter bus.

Weavers: beheading shrimp and saying how glad they are they bald-snarked the detour.

Weavers are LAST to complete. They make the second bus, all bunched with the other losers. We’re all in last place! Yay!! Wooohoo!!

it’s an EIGHT HOUR bus ride, all smelly and shrimpy and muddy.

Bus 1: We’re going to Huntsville, AL to the Space Center!

Spoonfed SUVS. What could we be doing at the hangar?

Gabbleskis gabble. Clue box! Clue box!

Bransen: go for the big rocket with all the lights on it.

Roadblock: In this family version, they will sometimes be performed by 2 persons. SUCK!!!

Hah! Phil demonstrates the 3.2G Centrifuge. He’s all flat and funny sounding! Whee!!

Bransens: 2 girls will do it. They get briefed on how they’re going to be in a spinning capsule.

Linz: Megan’s been there! two boys take it. Barfing will ensue.

Schroeders: daughter and… somebody take it.

Shots of Bransens: they all look flat. The others laugh at the monitor.

Gabbleskis: gabble about hangars. It’s an airplane. No, it’s what an airplane is IN.
Bransens must run to Rocket Park and find a Saturn V and log on to FUCKING AOL.COM.

FARTING LINZES in the capsule. aHHHHHH!!! The Funny Music Editors are using a piece of Star Trek music – the bit from Amok Time when Spock was in heat! What are they saying about the Fartynotsofasts now???

Bransens: Daddy’s about to have a heart attack.

Linzes complete. Fumes are ventilated.

Schroeder children laugh about how heavy their arms are.

Bransen: daddy chants a cadence.

Linzes: trot capably.

Bransens are first to find the computer. They get their video mail from Phil. “Race from here to Space Shuttle Pathfinder, the Pit Stop. The last team to check in MAY be eliminated.”

Linzes: fart around logging in. “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

Wow, a real astronaut at the mat! It’s… someone I don’t know.

Bransens are FIRST!! They win free gas for LIFE for all licensed drivers from FUCKING BP GAS!!! Oh, Miss Alli’s going to be splody.

Linzes: Team number 2.

Bus 2, the Bus of Losers is shown. Smelling bad. Weavers are very nervous and Ma Weaver is a prisoner!

Aiellos interview that the Weavers complain too much.

Weavers: cry, then decide to completely be fake and pretend to be happy, happy, happy at a food stop.

Paolos: interview that the Weavers went freakin’ nuts.

Yeah, that’s some strategery: act crazy and completely off your head so people “underestimate” you. I think the other teams have got the Weavers pegged as untrustworthy – Ma Weaver turned her back on a team that would have helped them at the airport and got her brood on the “earlier” flight and basically thumbed her nose at the Aiellos. Now the Aiellos are enjoying their seeming breakdown on the bus.

Well, after the commercials are done, we’ll see. There’s not a lot of options for passing another team at this location, since the Pit Stop is walking distance… oh, wait a minute. We’ll see.

Weavers: wigging out in the parking lot, pretending to be happy. They’re actually scared of not knowing.

Singing on the “bus that never ends”

Schroeders complete the 3G centrifuge.

Gabbleskis gabble on the monitor and complete. They gabble on the way to the next clue about how cool that was. Gabble, gabble, gabble.

Meanwhile, Smelly Bus, oh Smelly Bus, What Are They Pumping Into You pulls in.

Confusion. Weavers get their car. Paolos grouse. Road directions. Location is noted on the map. Young master Gaghan sees it.

Schroeders: know where the Shuttle is and get to the Mat. Team 3!

Gabbleskis: Let’s go! AAAAH Wooo!! Gabble! Oh, yeah!

Weavers: spot the hangar and see the box. Rolly and another weaver take it.

Gaghans and Paolos and Aiellos arrive. First come first serve go go go! Paolos (what??) grab first, followed by Gaghans (wheels!) and slow Pa Aiello drags the rest of his family into last at the “grab a ticket” box.

Aiellos should NOT have gone to the side to confer about the clue and try to decide.

Paolos actually were quick off the mark.

Weavers complete 3G in 5th place. Mom reads really slow. they thank Jesus for finding the computer and the mail. Fifth place.

Paolos whirl.

Geez, Ma Weaver is weird looking.

Paolos complete. Argue about which way the rocket park is.

Gaghans and Aiellos wait.

Gaghans finish in 7th place. Go this way, honey.

Aiellos are in last.

Gaghans are WANDERING AROUND AGAIN.

Paolos are LOST TOO.

Suddenly they’re supportive of Mama Paolo?

Look at Carissa going!

Aiellos are trying to make up ground.

Paolos get email. Meanwhile, Carissa spots the sign for the computers.

GASP! RAce on foot to the shuttle against the Paolos!!

Aiellos are still out finding the computer.

Swearing.

Fuck, Paolos are still in it. They arrive sixth.

Gaghans: arrive seventh. Kids are happy.

Aiellos: sad music plays. Non elimination? Sad music but we’re due.

You’re the last team to arrive. I’m sorry to tell you you have been eliminated from the race. Damn, I liked them. They’re choked up at the mat. They never, never, never should have stuck with the mudbog Detour as long as they did, but they’re guys and they didn’t want to de-head shrimp. DAMN.

Next week: Weavers must go to a RACE TRACK. They look extremely upset. One of the kids, the blondest girl, said something interesting about earlier about how she was kind of tired of all the emotional highs and lows, heh. Well, here’s another one. Gabbleskis melt down, scream, gabble at each other in a car.

Apparently they’re going to Talledega Race Track – surely the race designers knew the Weavers history? Their father/Ma Weaver’s husband died in an accident while working at a race track.

Oh, and the Amazing Blue Line wasn’t so far off – Charlotte, NC (CLT) is shown there to the east of Huntsville AL (HSV).

Aaaaand that’s probably the last time I’ll get to use airport codes in a while, until they finally get the frickin’ heck out of the country.