SciFi Wire announces its slate of original SF/Fantasy/Alternate Reality series. “Original” is such a relative term, isn’t it?

An untitled project executive-produced by Academy Award-winning actor/producer Michael Douglas, based on the work of the late author Shirley Jackson (The Haunting of Hill House). Storylines and themes from Jackson’s catalog of supernatural short stories will be woven into her real life experiences transitioning from urban mom to small-town matriarch.

Michael Douglas isn’t exactly known for genre movies or shows. A production credit for Starman (movie, series) doesn’t exactly establish his SF cred. Why this? Why now? Imagine if “Eerie, Indiana” or the lesser remake version of “Outer Limits” underwent a sex change AND menopause.

Heroes Anonymous, a live-action series based (on) the comic book created by Scott Gimpel and Bill Morrison which follows a group of 20-something aspiring superheroes who form a support group to help them discover their own identity while carving out their secret identity…

Hello, bastard child of various X-Men sequels and Mystery Men. Oh, and with a little of The Bob Newhart Show thrown in, too. Meow.

Those Who Walk in Darkness, a drama based on John Ridley’s (Three Kings, Third Watch) best-selling novel of the same name about an expert team of S.W.A.T. police whose primary mission is to hunt down and capture people who genetically possess super powers…

Hey! Something original! A show about special cops who’re trying to get weirdo mutant missing links! It was called Special Unit 2! I loved that show… not so much this one, yet. However, I liked “Three Kings,” so I might give this one a whirl.

Urban Arcana, an action series inspired by the Hasbro/Worlds of Wonder role-playing game which follows an undercover detective who must protect the human population from the influx of chameleon-like, mythological creatures from a parallel world…Rockne O’Bannon (The Triangle, Farscape) executive-producing in association with Fox Television Studios.

Hey! Something else original! A show about a special cop who’s tracking down weirdo mutant mythological parellel world… oh, wait. If there were a time travel element this would be Time Trax. If there were an “alien fugitive” element this would be Tracker or The Hidden. *sigh*

Tomorrow’s Child, a series centered around a young girl who was horribly burned in an accident and saved by a special skin of extraterrestrial origin, which gives her powers beyond human comprehension. She travels the country pursued by the government while looking for the origin of her powers and seeking out others like her. Produced by NBC Universal Television Studio…

Hey, it’s either the daughter of the Out Of This World girl, or Greatest American Hero with a really rad exfoliating makeover. And a sex change. And whoa, they’re going to let NBC – “No Body Cares” – produce another SF show? Doomed to failure, in that case. Remember Star Trek? Earth2? SeaquestDSV? Roswell? Oh, wait, that one was screwed over by UPN. Still. Same diff.

Time Tunnel, an updated interpretation of the classic 1960s television series created by Irwin Allen. The new series centers on a female scientist and a government agent who find themselves trapped in time when an experimental time travel project is sabotaged…

I loved this show! But now there’s a gurl in it, so it’ll center now on the “romantic tension” between the scientist and the agent. It’s kind of like if Dr. Sam Beckett had a permanent squeeze to go with. They better not screw up the theme music, that was the best part.

3:52, from distinguished television writer/producer John Tinker (Judging Amy, The Practice), takes place in the wake of the sudden disappearance of 2 billion people from the face of the Earth. The series, named for the time of the vanishing, will be told from the point of view of a small Maryland town.

Crap, another post-Millennium show about the Rapture. In disguise, yet. Don’t these people realize they’re just feeding the Dominionists thirst for temporal power by giving them their own niche cult SF TV shows? Crap.

Also on deck: two “alternative” series for when all or most of the above prove to be, yes, crap.

Barbarian Chronicles, a half-hour animated ensemble comedy from Brendon Small, creator of the offbeat strip series Home Movies. David Letterman’s Worldwide Pants will produce along with Small.

Now this I’d watch. I’m up for the funny animated barbarians. Hell, if I hang out reading “HULK’S DIARY THAT IS ON THE INTERNET” and offering him advice on finding a nice kitten, I’d sure watch this show.

Seriously Baffling Mysteries, a half-hour mockumentary hosted by Jonathan Frankle, which goes in search of the paranormal on a shoestring budget. In each episode, production chaos and behind-the-scenes dysfunction interrupt Frankle’s attempt at supernatural investigative reporting.

Damn you, incredibly fast but somewhat inattentive reading super-power! At first I thought this show was being hosted by Jonathan Frakes, and I perked up and thought “Decent casting choice! This could actually be funny.” Now having run across more info on this show, which originally had the “Still In Search Of…” working title (take that, post-Trek Leonard Nimoy!) I still think it could be funny:

“Still In Search Of…”(working title): The hallmark of supernatural investigative reporting gets a mockumentary makeover in this hilarious half-hour docu-spoof from FremantleMedia North America. Series host Jonathan Frankle goes in search of the paranormal on a shoestring budget but instead finds trouble with his producer and crew. Production chaos and behind-the-scenes dysfunction bleed into each episode — the make-up artist negotiates a raise using a voodoo doll, a Nostradamus prediction about the end of the world causes administrative anarchy and an investigation into a legendary cannibalistic monster degenerates into a Survivor-like discussion about who among the crew would be voted onto the menu first.

Hmm, these guys are responsible for the Brothers Awesomov’s “Big bucks, big bucks, no whammies!” joke from their tragic elimination episode.

See, I would totally watch this. They can scrap all but the two on deck shows as far as I’m concerned. Unless the actors are hawt, of course.