What a great news day. NPR reports that the new Secretary of Scariness, Bernard Kerik, had a troubled start in life and was reportedly a young tough or bully before turning his life around via martial arts and becoming a tough crimefighter. Just reading the fawning reviews at Amazon of his autobiography gives me the willies. He was a colorful beat cop only 20 years ago, with “little formal education.”

And now he’s the scariest Department of Homeland Scariness commissioner we’ve ever had (admittedly, not far to go there).

Guess this means the “Untitled Bernard Kerik Movie Project” will shortly be greenlighted – to “Threat Level Low.”

Thank goodness the fine news analysts at The Onion report that Iraq has adopted its very own, very colorful Terror Alert System. No word yet on what friendly puppet characters from Iraqi folklore might be assigned to each color.

Via A Cry For Help. “I can’t believe this show’s even still on.” Heh. Dude, the ratings suck, but they keep renewing it. At least they keep switching out the cast (ginmar‘s got less than 80 days left now).