Hay Ja, Absolut Exhaustion

Miss Alli’s Recaplet:

Well, shoot. This week’s episode takes the teams to Sweden, where they get encased in ice and then go to — I am not making this up — a huge Ikea, because that’s what they have in Sweden. Of course, that’s what they have two minutes from my apartment, too. [Eye-roll.] Anyway, a brutal counting task proves too much for all but a few teams, so most of the group winds up slapping together particle-board furniture like there’s no tomorrow. Then, the teams move on to a punishing Roadblock in which hay bales have to be unrolled until a clue is found. It seems to take Lena and Kristy quite a while, but it appears that the whole thing will come down to Don and MJ and Lori and Bolo, who take for-freaking-ever to get out of the Ikea Detour. But when those two teams finally haul ass to the Roadblock…Lena and Kristy are still there. And then Bolo finds his clue. And then Don finds his. And…are you kidding me? Lena and Kristy? Suck. But you know what? Even though I really, really dug Lena and Kristy, I like Don and MJ and Lori and Bolo, too. I would miss any of those teams, even though not equally, and I admired Don and MJ for keeping at it when it looked like they had nothing left in the tank. It’s a very sad Philimination, but it’s a good sign, to me, because it indicates that I actually give a good goddamn about most of the teams, and would have at least a pang of sadness for almost all of them if they went home. Jonathan and Victoria are still highly objectionable, and Adam and Rebecca and Hayden and Aaron are still highly questionable. But that means I’m still taking five teams out of eight into the fourth leg whom I actively like. Who went into last year’s fourth leg? Colin and Christie, Brandon and Nicole, Linda and Karen, Charla and Mirna, Marshall and Lance, Bob and Joyce, Chip and Kim, and the Twinkies. You’re not going to find five teams in there that I actively liked. So to me, the sad ending is an improvement. Yay, show!

Who’d a thunk I’d be proud of and sad for the Utah sisters? I had plenty of pre-snark for them back before the current season opener, and now I have a fair amount of post-love. Rats for them. Darn hay. Owing to the increased visibility of the show, MSNBC reported the remarkable fact that Phil came out to the hayfield to eliminate them, because Lena had been rolling out haybales for more than 8 hours. We know this kind of thing has happened before; most recently when the Pizza Putzes were stuck on their “what’s a scarab” archeology dig Roadblock, and the uninjured Putz pulled a Cartman because his brother was in pain from tendonitis. So they refused to finish, and Phil had to come out to the course in the dark.

Putzes. Well done, ladies, you bettered their score on that one.

Rank Order

Roadblock performers are underlined.

1. Hayden and Aaron Bountiful boobies almost falling out of her tank top. Slim yet curvy in lowrider pants. Bet Hayden gets some C-movie offers. And yes, they raced very well, and gossiped about the Botoxes. Which made me snicker right along with them.
2. Kris and Jon Leaders of most of the leg. Arrived at the mat with Hayden and Aaron, but appeared to hang back voluntarily and let them claim the win. I like them for this and wonder if it’s because they didn’t approve of all the excessive tie finishes last season, or more likely it’s a rule change? Also, Jon is a stitch. He is just damn funny. During the IKEA detour, they assembled a desk rather than counting. As he turned the Allen wrench/screwdriver tool he had, he made little “v-rrr! V-rrrrt! V-rrrrt!” sound effects as if he was in the pit stops back at Le Mans. Then at the hayfield, he rolled out his first bale with a singsong “And now ve roll out ze hay, ja?” Reference: Young Frankenstein. Like I said, funny.
3. Gus and Hera Oh, dear. Lost as soon as they hit the streets in Stockholm, they are shown going in the opposite direction from everyone else, who found the Absolut Ice Bar without mishap. I think Gus started to volunteer his daughter for the Roadblock, but he did it – gotta recheck my recording. Either way, he’s way laid back for a Racer. Time to step up next week, Daddy. And for the love of God, the man cannot run one single step. Everywhere they go, no matter how dire the straits, he will not break into a trot. They can’t last like that. However, how cool is it that for the very first time in Race memory, taking the bus was actually the correct transportation option, rather than cab? They come out of the train station, Gus says “Let’s take the bus” with that little frugal gleam in his eye, and I think “Noooo!” But then they arrive at the location, step off the bus and stroll calmly up to the mat… and their bus is still visible at the stop behind them. Meanwhile, the Botoxes were still running around looking for the mat. And they’d finished the hay Roadblock before Gus and Hera. Heh.
4. Mr and Mrs Botox Ugh. The Amazing Editors were kind and showed as little as possible of the screaming hissyfit and his shrieking harridan. The infamous “backhand, interrupted” scene was in a Stockholm taxi. There was also screaming in the Ice bar, but a very rushed edit to show only that Jonathan had completed the ice-glass sliding task. He volunteered Victoria for the (itching, sneezing, exhausting task). At least he showed concern on her behalf when she started wheezing in the hayfield and appeared angry as he read the clue once she found it. So cool that they actually ran past the ship 3 times without spotting the Pit Stop marker and mat, and were beaten by a slower team. Who rode the bus. Who they spotted as they walked up to Phil, so they finally saw where the mat was. Hee!
5. Adam and Rebecca Were they in this episode? Without a ridiculous tantrum from Adam, it’s hard to tell. They struggled. They got the stuff done eventually. They weren’t last. Meh.
6. Freddy and Kendra Miss Alli calls these guys “Nuance” for their now-infamous premiere quote, because in practice their knowledge of the nuances of traveling has made them entertaining to watch when they screw up. Sometimes they do pretty well, but they’re still another Model-Meh team.
7. Lori and Bolo Strike me down, but Bolo looked sort of… hot in this episode. His mullet was fluffed out and not covered under a do-rag. Am I wrong to think this? On the other hand, they seemed cursed with the old “got to have accuracy” problem Lori worried about last week. Counting “66, 68, 80” won’t get you the clue, dude. Some TWOP folks speculated that he’s allergic to 7’s. Eventually, they switched to desk assemblage. Inexplicably, they did not pull the Yield on Don and MJ, who were right behind them arriving at the hayfield. And they cheered and clapped when an exhausted and astonished D-MJ arrived right behind them at the Pit Stop mat, next to last. They’re colorful people, but they’re good people. CBS seems to be aware of their aversion to 7s – it shows them in seventh position, but the numeral is a 5 on the leaderboard.
8. Don and MJ I love Don. “I hope it says ‘go to the hospital’,” he exclaimed on receiving the IKEA clue at last. “Please… we’re old. We’re 40 years older than some of these kids. Can’t you just…” as he pleaded to get a senior discount on their pots/pans/bears count. That’s when they decided to assemble the desk, which they struggled with but completed. Remember, they were the very last to leave the Detour, so they were sure they were eliminated the whole way out to the Roadblock site, until they saw Bolo… and Lena.
9. Lena and Kristy Poor Lena. They rocked the whole episode. They got through the Ice Bar pretty quickly. Lena muttered “damn,” but Kristy was more reticent when they screwed up the first attempt. Maybe she was still shocked that she was voluntarily in a bar, handling ice-glasses full of some dark liquid (probably grenadine or other suitably photogenic yet inexpensive beverage). They wavered on the “Count It” Detour, yet got to the hayfield for the Roadblock still in smokin’ hot third, and then Lena had to watch as team after team found clues and left, as she determinedly rolled out bales. She had no problem with it physically, other than cutting up her hands on the webbing holding the bales together. But she seemed to have a horrible problem with spotting the clues. Everyone else seemed to spot theirs near the outer edge of the bales, after rolling it at least halfway. Some found theirs closer to the center. Lena admitted in the MSNBC article that she checked out mentally after the first hour, so it’s extremely likely that she passed up a number of clues. By the time Phil got out there, she’d been unrolling bales for more than 8 hours, but still refused to give up 2 hours after the last team had left for the Pit Stop. Like the Bowling Moms, this team exemplified courage and the will to keep trying to the bitter end. Good for you, ladies, I’m damn proud of you (sorry, “darn proud.”)

UPDATE: Thanks to sharp-eyed commenter Popsciolist for the corrections!