Over at Rance’s place, a recent essay assignment that didn’t make the cut:
I read recently that one of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt’s sons wrote a series of murder mystery novels in which Eleanor was the protagonist and solved crimes. Pitch me a summer blockbuster movie in which Eleanor is the main character. Alternate topic: A drama in which Angelia Jolie plays the President.
Contest Rules: As usual winners get 10 DVPs. You may submit only one essay (Exception: you may submit two if you are a Siamese twin). Essays must have a movie title and be no longer than 250 words, including the title. Deadline: June 8, 2004, midnight, wherever in the world it is that midnight plays latest.
Does “sober” vs. “nicely, thank you” count instead of the twin thing? And why not combine both story lines?
Three little words: Prosthetic stunt jowls.
I’d better type fast before the Fuller’s ESB sets in.
::growly movie guy voice::”Angelina Jolie IS Eleanor Rooooooooosevelllllt.”
visual: Angelina Jolie in a sensible dress and Enagetic shoes rappels down the outside of the Capitol Dome, jowls flapping in the wind…
(for the rest of my homework assignment, which got a poor score due to excessive application of beer to the creative process, read on)
Alternate Title: “In Eleanor’s Hands: Jowls of Destiny”
::growly movie guy voice:: “The fate of the nation is in her hands.”
visual: Angelina Jolie upbraids a White House maid by running a gloved finger along a mantel and holding it up under the maid’s nose. Jowls quiver in outrage.
::growly movie guy voice:: “They invaded her home. And her couuuunnnntry.”
visual: Angelina Jolie in an old-fashioned bathtub, with lavish bubbles. Suddenly, Nazis burst in! She bursts out bubbliciously and gets all drunken boxing on their uptight Teutonic asses.
(that’s the beer talkin. Good stuff, Maynard).
::growly movie guy voice:: “America as we know it might have fallen were it not for…(music cue) ‘First Lady: Fists of Freedom!’ ”
visual: Angelina Jolie protects Marian Anderson from a violent mob of Nazis in drag, who are disguised as the Daughters of the American Revolution on the steps of the Capitol.
Fade to black. Sounds of gunfire and of someone kicking ass and taking names with a patrician, East Coast accent. Title graphics flame up and out.
(Studio note requested location change from Lincoln Memorial. Capitol Dome much sexier for rappel stunt.)
Well, the only thing it really had going for it was the bathtub and the Growly Movie Guy. There was another, better pitch with a similar premise.
At least the beer was good.
